In Equilibrium 27
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In Equilibrium 27
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THIS MONTH
In Equilibrium News: New autumn dates for our public stress courses
Stress Tip - Mayonnaise Jar
Quote - Dalai Lama
Book Review - The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck
Al's Column - "I'll be home at nine, dear."
Web Resources - Employers for Work-Life Balance
Stress Technique - Managing Anger
Your Thoughts - Send us your comments
1. In Equilibrium News: New autumn dates for public courses
We now have dates in September, October and November for our Public Courses. Check out availability at our website: http://www.in-equilibrium.co.uk/index/ost
2. Stress Tip: Mayonnaise Jar and the 2 Cups of Coffee
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things- your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children! Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18 holes of golf. There will always be time to clean the house and put out the rubbish. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Unknown Author August 2004.
"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck."
Dalai Lama (1935-)
4. Book Review: The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck
OK, yes I admit it, this book is part of Bridget Jones's collection of self help books, but I have decided that is not a good enough reason to leave it out of our section on interesting books....I think this one is a classic!
I have used a lot of quotations in this book review because I think the writer's words speak for themselves. M Scott Peck at the time of writing this book in 1978, was a practising psychiatrist and this book looks at his own personal experiences as well as his professional ones.
The book is about confronting and solving our own personal problems, it doesn't shy away from the fact that this can be a painful process and acknowledges that solving our own problems can be something that many of us avoid at all costs! It argues that this avoidance results in greater pain and an inability to grow both mentally and spiritually.
Peck does not stick to the politically correct, and some of the ideas in this book are rather controversial, but I prefer a person to speak their mind rather than try and turn their ideas into something they think will be acceptable to the wider public - see what you think!
The first sentence is "Life is difficult" and this is one of the main themes of the book, but Peck also believes it is worth working at...
"..This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters"
On the importance of discipline...
"Discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life's problems. Without discipline we can solve nothing. ....Yet it is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has it's meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually."
On the "Myth of Romantic Love"
..."To serve as effectively as it does to trap us into marriage, the experience of falling in love probably must have as one of it's characteristics the illusion that the experience will last forever"
On Love....
"Love is not simply giving; it is judicious praising and judicious withholding as well. It is judicious praising and judicious criticising. It is judicious arguing, struggling, confronting, urging, pushing and pulling in addition to comforting. It is leadership. The word 'judicious' means requiring judgement, and judgement requires more than instinct; it requires thoughtful and often painful decision-making."
On Self-Sacrifice
"Whatever we do for someone else we do because it fulfils a need we have. Parents who say to their children, 'You should be grateful for all that we have done for you' are invariably parents who are lacking in love to a significant degree. Anyone who genuinely loves knows the pleasure of loving. When we genuinely love we do so because we want to love."
I thought this was an excellent quote and it puts a different perspective on many so called 'altruistic' actions and professions.
The book goes on to look at growth, religion and grace. Throughout, these chapters provide details about Peck's own patients. Their impact on him is discussed. I found this book to be a thought-provoking and honest take on life. If you are looking for something to challenge your peception on life, but that also has the possibility of impacting on your life in a fundamental way, then I would recommend this book as a good place to start!
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5. Al's Column: "I'll be home at nine dear."
Apparently John Major, when he wasn't running the country, watching the cricket at the Oval, or enjoying a currie (who knows maybe did all three at the same time, the rascal), negotiated for the UK an 'opt-out' to the working time directive. But now the pressure's on from those pesky Euro-crats for us to abandon our freedom to work ourselves into an early grave. How dare they! We didn't get where we are today by having a work-life balance!
But are the eurocrats right, despite their views reflecting a 'nanny-state' mentality? There's no doubt we do work long hours in the UK and that some of us do so to the detriment of our wellbeing.
Abandoning the opt-out would still affect 2 million of us even with a likely compromise in the way 'working time' is calculated (it is proposed that working time be averaged over a whole year).
Averaging more than 48 hours a week over a whole year means that a typical working week must be very long indeed when you take into account bank holidays, annual leave and so on.
From a stress point of view, there's no doubt that excessive and prolonged pressure, overload in other words, doesn't do us any good. However pressure doesnt just come from work (time), it comes from relationships, money problems, health issues, and my personal favourite, transport, to name but four.
Personally, I don't think abandoning the opt-out is the answer because the real problem is not the hours worked, its 'compulsion' or lack of choice. Many people who work long hours, do so because they choose to do so. I really do have sympathy for those who feel compelled as those people really are at increased risk from stress.
We already have employment legislation, common law and the HSE Management Standards. Frankly, employers can no longer expect to get away with deliberately causing stress by making people work excessively long hours. I'd prefer to see employers meet their existing legal obligations re stress risk assessment and management. For me, the opt-out is a red herring. The real issue is risk and one thing that helps to minimise risk is flexibility, especially local flexibility. Flexibility, not compulsion, is what we should cherish and keep. Let's keep the opt-out and enforce our existing laws.
Alan Bradshaw
P.S. Did you see me discussing this on Channel 5 news? No, thought not.
6. Web Resources: Employers for Work-Life Balance (Run by the Work Foundation)
This website (http://www.employersforwork-lifebalance.org.uk/ ) contains information and resources on work-life balance. If defines this balance: "Work Life balance is achieved when an individual's right to a fulfilled life inside and outside paid work is accepted and respected as the norm, to the mutual benefit of the individual, business and society."
The website contains factsheets, information on legislation, corporate case studies, and it also looks at work-life balance issues for large employers and SME's.
One section refers to the business benefits of promoting work-life balance including:
- Increased productivity
- Improved recruitment and retention
- Lower rates of absenteeism
- Reduced overheads
- An improved customer experience
- A more motivated, satisfied and equitable workforce.
In my opinion this site looks at the issues in a very positive, solution focussed way and I would recommend any of our readers to have a browse.
7. Stress Technique: Managing Anger
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. However, when anger gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems: problems at work, in your personal relationships and in the overall quality of your life. Hopefully if you have had problems with anger, or you know someone who does, this article can give you some tips and alternative ways to act.
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions. Learning new behaviours takes a lot of practice. You may have had years of training in how to act angry, now you need to learn new skills to deal with problems.
The Anger Myth
There is a myth that anger has to be expressed or you will explode into a violent rage. The anger will build up like water behind a dam. If you don’t express it, you will come bursting out all at once destroying everything. Research strongly disagrees with this myth. The research shows that anger doesn’t work. The more you act angry or think angry thoughts, the more you feel angry. Anger feeds on itself. It never helps to hit walls or pillows, or to yell. It just makes you act more agressively.
Remember: ANGER IS A CHOICE!
You don’t have to act agressively. You can solve your problems in other ways. Up till now, anger may have been automatic, a decision made without thinking, a choice made out of habit. You can feel angry and act in a way that is more productive.
What Strategies Can You Use to Keep Anger at Bay?
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn them you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
- Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your stomach.
- Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase, such as 'relax', 'take it easy'.
- Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
- Use imagery; visualise a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
- Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
- Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear or speak in highly colourful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, 'oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined,' tell yourself, 'it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.' Be careful of words like 'never' or 'always' when talking about yourself or someone else. 'This machine never works,' or 'you're always forgetting things' are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
For example, you have a friend who is constantly late when you make plans to meet. Don't go on the attack; think instead about the goal you want to accomplish (that is, getting you and your friend there at about the same time). So avoid saying things like, 'You're always late! You're the most irresponsible, inconsiderate person I have ever met!' The only goal that accomplishes is hurting and angering your friend.
State what the problem is, and try to find a solution that works for both of you. Alternatively, take matters into your own hands by, for instance, setting your meeting time a half-hour earlier so that your friend will, in fact, get there on time, even if you have to trick him or her into doing it! Either way, the problem is solved and the friendship isn't damaged. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is 'not out to get you,' you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective.
Keep an anger diary every day if you can. This is an opportunity to write down your thoughts and feelings and observe your progress. You will feel successful as you see yourself handling your anger better.
Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying 'I would like' something is healthier than saying 'I demand' or 'I must have' something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions --frustration, disappointment, hurt -- but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Mind Reading
Mind reading takes a road map from our past and places it unrealistically over the present. We expect people to respond to us the way others did in the past. The key to preventing mind reading is to check it out with the other person. Don’t assume you know what they are thinking, ask them.
Once you begin asking the other person how she or he feels and what he or she thinks, you will learn a lot about yourself. You will learn about your old maps and how inaccurate they are.
- How do you feel?
- What do you want me to do?
- Tell me more about what you are thinking
- What do you suggest we do to resolve the problem?
Improving Self-Talk
It might help to develop some positive things to say to yourself. Make a list of positive self-statements and keep them with you. If you feel uncomfortable take them out and read them to yourself.
e.g.
- I’m smart and capable
- I can take care of myself
- I can handle this
- I’m responsible for what happens to me
- I can take care of my own needs
Problem-Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
When you have a problem use these problem solving skills. Continue to process through the options until everyone involved agrees to a solution
1. Write the problem down
2. Communicate your feelings
3. Ask for what you want
4. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view
5. Develop a list of options
6. Discuss the pros and cons of each option
7. Keep working until you reach a consensus
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to --and act on-- conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be pretty wild. The first thing to do, if you are in a heated discussion, is to slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen, too, to what is behind the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your 'significant other' wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting you partner as a jailer, a warden or an albatross around your neck. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticised, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's behind the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger --or a partner's-- let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humour
'Silly humour' can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. if you're at work and you think of a co-worker as a 'pillock' or a 'dunderhead', for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleagues desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humour can always be relied on to help un-knot a tense situation.
There are two cautions in using humour. First, don't try to just 'laugh off' your problems; rather, use humour to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humour; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh. As M Scott Peck states in our book reviewed this month, "Life is difficult", it certainly can be and acceptance of this can go a long way in helping us to keep emotions like anger in perspective.
Please let us know what you think of this newsletter and our website. We are always keen to receive constructive feedback. Perhaps you have an opinion on a point raised at one of our workshops,or you wish to ask other readers what they think about a particular issue. Keep in touch with us!!
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