Question
"I have a member of staff who is always moaning about her job, family life and even her health.  Her moans can bring the whole mood of the department down and, at times, I think that she is just attention seeking.  How can I get her to improve her outlook on life and prevent her pessimistic mood from affecting the rest of my team?"

Answer
Everything that we do, think or say is based on habit and learned behaviour. All of us have good habits and behaviours but may also have some that are less good or constructive. That is just part of the human condition.

The atmosphere and function within the group can be severely affected by just one individual. Have you ever had to spend a day with one very difficult or negative individual? Probably at the end of that day you felt drained and only too glad to go home. Some American psychologists call these individuals energy vampires. There are also individuals who are described as guilt or stress chuckers.

There is a lot of truth in the old saying: ‘Is the glass half full or half empty?'  Each of us has a tendency to be an optimist or a pessimist and this also varies from situation to situation.  There is an old Scottish saying: 'Do not worry there is worse to come!'

As far as the individual mentioned in this question is concerned, as she seems to be negative about so many things and most of the time, she may require professional assessment to ensure that she is not suffering from a depression requiring treatment, either drug and/or therapy. Also many individuals who appear to be attention seekers may be suffering from low self-esteem and also may require help.

One of the most effective treatments for individuals who are thinking in negative ways is cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and this can be carried out within the NHS, though in some areas there can be quite a long waiting list.  There is also a branch of psychology called Positive Psychology.

Many individuals with these states have very little insight that their behaviour has been learnt, though often in therapy they start to realise that they may have learnt it from a family member, who also thought in these ways. Other individuals learned how to be positive, happy, resilient, etc from family, friends, and mentors that they encountered.

In reality we become what we think about and, just as we learnt to think one way, we can learn how to think in other ways. Over a period of months the individual can develop completely new positive thoughts and habits.

As regards the last part of the question "How can I prevent her pessimistic mood from affecting the rest of my team?"  One method is for team members to be taught how to disassociate from negativity emanating from the individual. One technique from neuro-linguistic programming is to imagine that the individual is on a stage having her dramas and that the group are the audience sitting in the front row of the dress circle.

They can then learn to observe her dramas and realise that they are not their own and they can dissociate from them. In other words individuals with high emotional intelligence can even be in a comparatively peaceful state where the negative remarks are like water off a duck's back.  This does not mean that one does not have compassion nor try to help, but it does mean that one is not negatively emotionally involved.

Question
I have just started working next to a guy and I am a bit confused by his behaviour.  Although I am a really friendly person, he refuses to share the equipment on his workstation with me and he won't even look me in the eye when he is talking to me.  He doesn't come on the team nights out and he is really inflexible.  Someone in the department said he may have autism - but does that mean that he can't make an effort to get along with his work colleagues?

Answer
In short the answer to your question is no.  However, the issue may not be as simple as "making an effort" to get along with his work colleagues, it may be that he is painfully shy and anxious about what to say.  You mention autism, whether or not your colleague is on the autistic spectrum, it might be helpful to understand what this actually means and how it can impact on someone in their working life.  Around 1 in 100 people in the UK have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

What is Autism?
Autism is a lifelong developmental disability.  It is part of the autism spectrum and is sometimes referred to as an Autistic Spectrum Disorder, or an ASD.  The word 'spectrum' is used because, while all people with autism share three main areas of difficulty, their condition will affect them in very different ways. Some are considered to be 'high functioning'; others will require a lifetime of specialist support.  Aspergers syndrome is also included on the autistic spectrum and cannot be identified from the person's outward appearance.  People with Aspergers tend to have fewer problems with communication and learning disabilities. For this reason, those in full-time employment in the workplace tend to lean more towards suffering from Aspergers syndrome than Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

The three main areas of difficulty which all people on the autistic spectrum share are sometimes known as the 'triad of impairments'. They are:

1. Difficulty with social communication
2. Difficulty with social interaction
3. Difficulty with social imagination

1. Difficulty with social communication
Understanding conversation is like trying to understand a foreign language.  People on the autistic spectrum sometimes find it difficult to express themselves emotionally and socially.  For example, they may have difficulty understanding gestures, facial expressions or tone of voice and may not want to make eye contact when speaking.

2. Difficulty with social interaction
People on the autistic spectrum often want to be sociable but have difficulty with initiating and sustaining social relationships, which can make them very anxious and lead them to become withdrawn and seemingly uninterested in other people, appearing almost aloof.

For example, your colleague may not be keen to attend nights out, but this does not mean that he is not wanting to be sociable.  It could be that he is anxious in social situations because of poor interpersonal skills - it can take a lot of concentration to keep up with a group conversation.  It could also be that he needs time to relax and unwind after work without the pressures of having to socialise.  Perhaps he would be more comfortable attending an event if someone met him in advance and accompanied him to the venue.  Reassuring him that it was fine to leave whenever he wanted may also help.

Some people on the autistic spectrum find it difficult to show empathy i.e. to identify and understand the emotions of others.  They may rarely show sensitivity and often fail to understand another person's perspective.

3. Difficulty with social imagination
People on the autistic spectrum have trouble understanding or interpreting other people's thoughts, feelings or actions; they tend to find it difficult to imagine alternative outcomes to situations and to predict what will happen next.  They can be imaginative in the conventional use of the word.  For example, many are accomplished writers, artists and musicians.  Some people may have interests or hobbies which they pursue to the point where they could be considered to be an 'obsession'. 

Some suggestions for working with people on the autistic spectrum:  

• Be literal, as an autistic person will interpret language in a literal way misunderstanding metaphors, innuendos, sarcasm and be easily offended by jokes.
• The person may be obsessed with neatness and rigid routines - so make sure that they are happy for you to use their equipment as they may be anxious that you will not put it back in the correct place or in perfect condition.
• To build rapport, try to engage in conversation relating to the person's particular hobbies or interests.
• Ensure the work environment is well structured and organised.  The person may have sensory sensitivity and could overreact to certain sounds, sights and smells.  Background noise can be particularly distracting (e.g. the whirring of a fan or buzzing of electrical equipment).
• Use the person's first name before giving information.
• Don't ignore them because they fail to interact - remember that they may be able to improve their social skills given the right encouragement.
• Give praise for simple social behaviour that we take for granted.
• Provide reassurance in stressful situations and monitor feelings carefully.
• Verbal instructions can be difficult, so use written format and perhaps visual prompts.  Most people on the autistic spectrum process visually.  Some people refer to this as "thinking in pictures".
• Make sure instructions are concise and specific - check that they understand the details of the instructions and know what to do when they have a problem.  Do not assume that they will know what action to take.
• Provide accurate information about any changes in routine - increased awareness of what is going to happen will help reduce anxiety.
• Introduce new tasks gradually, be as consistent as possible.
• Be aware that the person may have advanced skills in certain areas, for example they may excel in mental arithmetic.

Hopefully this information will help a little regardless of whether your colleague is on the autistic spectrum or not.  Many people in today's world are challenged by social situations but trying a different approach can be effective.  We all have different skills, ideas and perceptions to contribute and teams benefit from these differences.

For further information about autism, please go to : www.autism.org.uk/

Our Mental Health Awareness training course helps managers to learn the most effective ways of managing someone with either a suspected or diagnosed mental health condition.  Many organisations lose the skills and experience of many capable employees who are managed incorrectly and feel they have no choice but to choose between a deterioration of mental health or leaving their employment.

Question
It has been brought to my attention at my recent appraisal that some of my colleagues think I am a perfectionist and that this is having a negative impact on my work.  I am struggling to find the motivation to make changes as I don’t really see what the problem is ……

Answer
Perfectionism becomes a problem when you are so focused on doing well that, in reality, your performance suffers.  The line between very high standards and severe angst can be exceedingly thin.  In working life we try to do our job without making mistakes.  How much effort we put into this and the impact it has on the rest of our lives differs greatly from person to person.  Are perfectionist attitudes actually holding you back?  To work this out we will outline some of the pros and cons of being a perfectionist and, if you do decide this is an issue for you, we have some suggestions as to how to go about changing.  One thing to keep in mind is that perfectionists rarely see themselves as having a problem – it is often feedback from others or an event, like an unexpected criticism, that makes us consider whether it is an issue.

Pros of perfectionism

• With high personal standards it’s easier to meet others' expectations
• Perfectionists tend to be very organised as anything you have done in the past is streamlined which can mean less wasted time and effort in the future
• Polished end result – Once you have completed something it is probably as good as you can make it
• Excellent attention to detail requires fewer fixes later on

Cons of perfectionism

• It can feel like a phobia about making mistakes
• Simple tasks can become large time consuming ones
• Perfectionists can be quite overbearing towards work colleagues and people may feel that they can never do things right which may thwart creativity
• Sometimes things don’t need to be perfect as perfection isn’t always as important to everyone else as it is to a perfectionist.  The perfectionist tends to do more work and this may not pay off in the end, i.e. the law of diminishing returns.
• Can lead to stress and anxiety – no one can be perfect all the time - humans are fallible beings!
• Procrastination can be a side effect because you can be put off starting as the job of doing it perfectly seems overwhelming.
• Frustration/ difficulty trusting others to do a job up to your standards
• Frustration and resentment at others lack of effort to do things to the same standard
• Perfectionists can find it hard to enjoy the process as they are always focused on the end result

Are you a perfectionist?
A good starting point may be to ask yourself the following questions.  It might help to try and think about a particular piece of work as you think through the following questions:

• Are your standards higher than those of other people?
• Are you able to meet the standards you set for yourself?
• Are other people able to meet your standards?
• Do your standards help you to achieve your goals or do they get in the way?
• What would be the benefits of relaxing a particular standard or ignoring a rule that you have?  (It might be worth speaking to colleagues/ friends to answer this one – at this stage you might find it difficult to see the positives in relaxing your own standards)
• How do you interpret your own inevitable mistakes and failings?  Do they make you feel bad about yourself in a global sense?  Do you think anything less than 100% might as well be 0?

Is your perfectionism a problem?
Do you consider anything less than perfect to be completely unacceptable?  If so, this can lead to obsessive behaviour and can have damaging effects on your overall quality of life.  Perfectionism is linked to depression, anxiety disorders, anorexia, obsessive compulsive disorders and insomnia.

Tips to Control Perfectionism

• Get to know your perfectionism – become aware of your thinking patterns and behaviour and the effect on your life and those around you, what are your triggers?
• Challenge your thinking - a tip from cognitive behaviour therapy which is commonly used for training anxiety and depression (a full description of the process can be found by putting "challenging negative thoughts" into an internet search or go to our Challenging Negative Thinking Habits page).
• Change your behaviour by exposing yourself to what you fear – practise making mistakes. For example send out an email with typos in it, overcook the tea etc.
• Record your thoughts – writing down your thoughts by definition makes you more aware of what can be changed…e.g. journal writing….its a bit like when you learn a new word and then start noticing people using it.
• See the positive as you have probably become an expert at seeing the negative (see realistic optimism).
• Learn to handle criticism.
• Thought stopping – hear yourself saying “shoulds” “musts” etc.  Just say “stop” to yourself or use an affirmation such as “my best is good enough”, “I accept myself just as I am”, “I am doing my best given the situation and time, looking at all the factors involved”.
• Replace negative statements – practise this and write down a few options to practise in times of stress.
• Milder wording – to yourself – try to speak as though you were talking to someone who was very fragile and you didn’t want to hurt their feelings.  Be compassionate towards yourself.
• Try to have the same standards for yourself as for others.
• Open up about your mistakes – this will help you to realise that others will not condemn you.  In fact research suggests that mistakes can make people warm to you because you have shown vulnerabilities.
• Make a list of all the things in your life that are more important than being perfect.  Are you spending time trying to perfect less important things and neglecting the more important aspects of your life as a result?
• Learn to laugh…..what is the worst thing that can happen?  You might have been overly dramatic in predicting the worst…
• What else makes you feel good about yourself other than doing things perfectly?  Write down a list of things that make you feel happy and good about yourself…this will help with establishing new habits.
• Finally …”Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey!” Barbara Hoffman.

And remember ...

• To enjoy moments of happiness
• To stop doing things for the sake of perfect standards and start doing more of what you enjoy
• To be more aware of your surroundings and environment and being more “in the now”
• To make an effort to be thankful.  It is easy to stop noticing the good things in life … health, warmth, shelter, food, friends, family … anything positive in your life
  
  

Question
There are now six people in my department but the workload expected of us is at the same level as when eight people were employed.  How can I learn to be more assertive and say “no” the next time extra work is given to me as I feel I’m already pulling my weight and am only keeping my head above water at the moment by working unpaid overtime a few nights a week?

Answer
Saying no can be difficult particularly at work when you know it has a direct impact on the rest of your team.  The line between being conscientious and overworked can be a thin one.

Taking a step back and thinking about what is best for the department is a good way of putting things in perspective.  If you end up being unwell or burnt out your department will suffer, so it is important to keep open lines of communication, where possible, if you are feeling that your workload is having a negative impact on your productivity.

By being more assertive we can improve our sense of identity, our confidence and our self-esteem. A snowball effect is created: the more confident we feel, the more assertive we are and so on. By stating more clearly what our needs are, we increase the chances that these needs will be met.

Being assertive leads to a saving in energy and a reduction in tension.   We are no longer preoccupied with avoiding upsetting others, and no longer overly concerned with making gains in an aggressive way. People who are generally assertive are confident people who are simply happy to be themselves.

When you have a difficult message to put across to someone, it is a good idea to plan what you are going to say - in effect write a script, and practice it until you feel confident.   
 
How to Prepare a Script
Explanation – Feelings – Needs - Consequences

• Explanation
  Explain the situation objectively and concisely, using only one sentence whenever possible.  Do not include justifications or theories about the ‘whys’ and ‘wherefores’ of the situation.
• Feelings
  Share your own feelings accurately, using an assertive ‘I feel…’ statement rather than an accusatory ‘You’ or ‘It makes me feel…’
  Briefly indicate that you have considered the other persons feelings or predicament (your empathy statement)
• Needs
  Say directly and concisely what it is you want or do not want, but ensure your requests are realistic.  If your requests number more than one or two or are quite complicated to explain, make a general request at this stage such as asking for a further discussion or that your written report be given priority attention.  If a compromise is appropriate, include a statement, which suggests that you are willing to negotiate.
• Consequences
  Spell out the pay-off there will be for the other person should he or she comply with your wishes or listen to your ‘case’ sympathetically or attentively.
  
  In brackets after writing your script, note down the negative consequences you could use to ‘threaten’ or ‘punish’ the other person should he or she not respond to your request.  Then decide whether the carrot (positive consequences) or stick (negative consequences) is more justified.  Although you may never have to resort to using your negative consequences (scripting is so effective!) just noting them down boosts your personal power.

Example
“I am struggling with the workload I currently have and now it looks like it is going to continue increasing (Explanation).  I am beginning to feel quite overwhelmed (Feelings), and although I know as a team we are trying to carry on completing the same work with less people, (Empathy) I would like you, on this occasion, to give it to someone else (Needs) as (a) someone else could pay more attention to it and do it properly and (b) I would be able to regain some control over my workload and continue trying my best without becoming ill. (Positive Consequences)

Question
I am a recently appointed HR Manager.  Could you give your interpretation of the new act regarding bullying and harassment and the implications for my organisation?

Answer
The Equality Act pulls together nine separate pieces of legislation into one single act, simplifying the law and strengthening it in important ways to tackle discrimination and equality. The Equality Act (EqA) offers employers some clarification of the law around harassment.  Its general definition provides that:

“A  harasses B, if A engages in unwanted conduct related to a relevant protected characteristic which has the purpose or effect of violating B’s dignity OR creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for B”.

The ‘Relevant Protected Characteristics’ are:

Age; Race; Disability; Religion or belief; Gender reassignment; Sex; Sexual orientation

N.B.  Marriage and civil partnerships, pregnancy and maternity are not included, but claims may still be possible via direct discrimination provisions.

In a nutshell:
A single incident can amount to harassment, if it is sufficiently serious.
The unwanted conduct needs simply to be ‘related to’ a protected characteristic.
The EqA protects employees against associative harassment i.e. based on someone else’s protected characteristic (e.g. C is disabled; A harasses B because of B’s friendship with C). 
Employees are also protected against harassment based on the perception that they have a protected characteristic (e.g. A harasses B because he mistakenly perceives B to be of a particular religion)

Legal tests
In cases of alleged harassment, account must be taken of:
(a) whether a reasonable person would consider the conduct in question to be harassment and
(b) the individual’s own perception of the conduct. 
In other words, it is envisaged that there will be an objective as well as a subjective element to the test of whether harassment has taken place.

Other possible claims
Legal claims arising from harassment or bullying may also include:

Tort of Negligence (where some form of injury results, e.g. a stress-related mental illness like depression)
Constructive Dismissal
Criminal Justice 1988
Public Order Act 1986
Malicious Communications Act 1988  (criminal) e.g. for cyberbullying
Health and safety
Protection from Harassment 1997

Protection from Harassment Act 1997
This was designed primarily to criminalise stalking and makes it a criminal offence to pursue a course of conduct which amounts to harassment of a person, or which causes a person to fear that violence will be used against them.  There are two levels of offence, and a ‘course of conduct’ must involve conduct on at least two occasions.

The penalties include up to six months in prison and/or a fine.
The Court of Appeal in Veakins v Kier Islington Ltd [2009] EWCA Civ 1288 says that, when deciding if conduct amounts to harassment for the purposes of the PHA, the primary focus should be on whether the conduct is “oppressive and unacceptable”, although the conduct should also be of the type that “would sustain criminal liability”.

Majrowski v Guy's & St Thomas's NHS Trust [2006] IRLR 695 is an important case dealing with principles of vicarious liability both generally (for breach of any statutory duty) and in connection with breaches of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997.  The Court of Appeal held, unanimously, that employers can be vicariously liable for breaches of statutory duty as well as breaches of common law obligations (subject to the wording of any given statute). This was confirmed by the House of Lords.

Malicious Communications Act 1988
This legislation is particularly relevant to the issue of cyber bullying.  Section 1 (b) provides that a person is guilty of an offence if he sends to another person any article or electronic communication which is “in whole or part, of an indecent or grossly offensive nature” and his purpose in sending it is that it should “cause distress or anxiety to the recipient or to any other person to whom he intends that it or its contents or nature should be communicated”.

The offence is also punishable, on summary conviction, by up to six months imprisonment and/or a fine.

Question
I work long hours and even when I get home I can’t switch off.  I’m too tired to do any of the things I used to enjoy, even going out or seeing friends.  I feel that my family are being affected by this situation.  What can I do to get the work/life balance right?

Answer by Dr Anita Levinson
This is a common problem where people feel that their life is work, perhaps more home-based tasks, some sleep and then back to work again.  It is important to get the balance right between work and other aspects of life.

It can be useful to look at some activities out-with work and assess how much time you are spending on these on a scale from “no time at all” to “a satisfactory amount of time”.  These activities will vary from person to person, but what you are looking for is a rounded lifestyle instead of one totally centred around work.  Some examples are:

Spending time with the family
Remember that working long hours can make this difficult, so you may need to challenge the norm and work late only when this is really necessary.
Exercise / sport
These will increase rather than deplete energy levels and can also lift the mood. There are many choices; not just going to the gym but various sports, dancing classes or fitness videos ... and walking can be just as good.
Hobbies and interests
These can be absorbing and a contrast to work activities.  There may be something you enjoyed in the past that you might like to restart, or you could enjoy the challenge of something completely new. There is a wide range of classes available - all you need is the motivation to make a start.  For some people going with a friend can make this easier and more fun.
Time for myself
Many people feel that they are surrounded by people and noise at work and sometimes things are the same when they get home. It is possible to set aside time for yourself without feeling guilty as this is not time wasted, but time invested in your well-being.  You may need help with childcare but this can be a reciprocal arrangement.
Getting enough sleep / relaxing
There are techniques which you can learn from tapes or books on relaxation that can help you to relax and also help you get to sleep.  If you wake during the night it is better to get up if you can’t get back to sleep and read or write down some of the things that may be on your mind. For example, these may be a list of things to do the next day, or ideas you want to remember.  Just writing them down can have a calming affect and help you to get back to sleep.
Spending time with friends
You may find that you have lost contact with friends because you have felt too tired to make the effort to have them to your house or to make arrangements to go out.  This is one way to add fun, relaxation and, with a bit of luck, some laughter and enjoyment to your work /life balance. You could set yourself the challenge of inviting some friends over and hopefully then realising how easy and enjoyable your time together has been.

One important point is that you should not try to do too much at once, just introduce small changes when you are ready.  You have to plan your time at work and it may be that you also have to plan your time out-with your workplace.  You need to be motivated to “ring-fence” time for your planned changes and you may need to get support from the family to achieve this, but they will benefit as well as you.

I hope that you will have renewed energy and enjoyment of life once you have the work / life balance back. Having a rounded lifestyle will also help you to put into proportion the inevitable pressures that occur at work.

Question
I am a 35 year old manager who has recently returned to work following my first maternity leave. Work seems much more hectic than before, and thrown into the mix is the fact that I will be moving house next month.  Relationships at work and at home are currently ‘tricky’ – and I worry about what my staff think of me. I feel like a ‘Jack of all trades’ but a ‘master of none’ – never really finishing one thing before I have to start another.

Can you offer any tips on how I can regain some control?

Answer by Dot Gourlay
Time management is one of the greatest skills within life and personal management. Think and plan on paper!  Begin now to plan every day, week and month on paper. You’ll be amazed at how much more productive you will become.

List all your live projects (at work + at home), and those that are important to you in the future. Order these into priority and sequence and work towards the future logically. Don’t worry unnecessarily about seemingly impossible tasks – but take bite sized chunks off these each day. See yourself taking control of the phased completion of your priorities, and take control of scheduling time for yourself too!

Two key elements here are to: prioritise effectively and review your list regularly. Apply an 80/20 rule to everything. You could prioritise through personal analysis of  what to give 80% effort to and what to apply a lesser 20% to, or include your evaluation as to what will supply an 80% rather than a 20% return for your efforts. Make your decisions and start immediately. Continually grade your results and move forward on your priorities – but for this don’t rely solely on your own judgement. Ask for the feedback of those around you – involve them, value them, and trust them.

Constantly consider and nurture your relationships at home and at work. Ask yourself: “If I wasn’t working so hard, what else would I be doing?” Write yourself a list of everything and everybody that make you feel good. Remind yourself how these people and activities make you feel, and then pick out one (or more) family activity and plan a date to do it. Convince yourself that you have time for more than packing boxes and changing nappies - and enjoy that time.

Involve yourself in open feedback sessions at work with your team. Listen to others' perceptions of your management style and impact, and act on advice as appropriate. You could also use available awareness tools, like the HSE Management Competency Indicator Tool http://www.hse.gov.uk/stress/mcit.pdf  Show empathy to your staff, be aware of your impact on them. Remember that they had to manage their workload without you for a period of time – so use effective delegation, showing that you trust them, and this will increase perceptions of control for everyone.

A primary rule to remember is that: ‘there will never be enough time to do everything you have (or think you have) to do.’ Make sure you take a short time to yourself every day. Sit quietly where you can’t be disturbed, relax and think everything through. Remember that you are essentially in control of: what you do; when + how you do it; as well as - what you are actively giving less emphasis or time to, and the key here is to be happy with your decision – DON’T ‘beat yourself up about it!’

Question
My company have announced that they are going to be making 70 people redundant within the next year.  We have not been told who is going to be made redundant or the dates it may happen.  I am very worried and think about it all the time.  It has got to the point where I am finding it difficult to sleep at night or to be motivated at work.  How can I be more resilient during this very difficult time? 

Answer by Dr Angela Brown
This is a very common question that I have been asked again and again during the current economic situation.  Living with uncertainty can make a person think more negatively than they would do ordinarily.  Unfortunately the more uncertainty there is the likelihood of negative thinking, thus pessimism, increases.  Being pessimistic decreases your resilience, so, the first thing you could do to decrease the negativity and start to think more optimistically is to reframe the situation.  Optimism is one of the most important of the resilience factors.  I am not talking about pie in the sky, bury your head in the sand optimism, no, I am talking about realistic optimism.  Your ability to reframe the situation and see the change in a different way is a crucial first step.

You could reframe the situation by thinking there is absolutely nothing you can do about the redundancies, they are going to happen so I am not going to worry about whether or not it is going to be me.  I will take this opportunity to update my CV and think about other jobs that I may be suitable for in the future.  By simply reframing the situation it puts you into a more optimistic mind frame and allows you to start to have some control over the situation.  Remember, you cannot change the situation, but you can change how you react to it.

Reframing will automatically take you to another important resilience skill called causal analysis, simply put it means problem solving.  This means looking at a problem from different perspectives and looking at the bigger picture.  Again, you will start to think you have more control over your situation and certainly begin to feel less anxious and more optimistic.  Once again, if you were to look at using the skill of causal analysis in your situation you could think about where to send your CV, think outside of the box.  There are many sites that you could send your CV off to.  So rather than wait to be told your fate, you’re taking your future into your own hands.  If you have thought about starting your own business or becoming self-employed you could think about how to do this.

Importantly having the ability to control your impulses is paramount to becoming more resilient.  Being able to stop and think without reacting hastily allows you to resolve problems and stops you from becoming irrational in a rational situation.  Therefore, stepping away from your situation without reacting will help re-balance your thinking.

Reaching out is another of the resilience skills which is important for two reasons.  Firstly, having a good social support network will help you cope with the feelings of uncertainty.   So talking to friends and family about what you’re thinking and feeling will help during anxious times.  Secondly, ask for support from whatever your company has in place.  If you feel comfortable speaking to your manager then this is a good starting point.  This will allow the rapport between your manager and yourself to increase which will, in turn, foster a more trusting environment.
 
Finally, the art of emotional regulation which is another of the resilience skills is crucial for lots of reasons.  I do not mean detach from the situation and don’t think about it.  This is counterproductive because the more you can engage in the situation the more you will remain connected and motivated.  Therefore staying engaged can be difficult when all you want to do is forget about it.  It is important to know what you’re feeling then manage those feelings appropriately.  If you’re feeling angry then that is okay, however, you will have to manage that anger in a safe way.  If you’re feeling despondent then this will lead to a lack of motivation which will show itself in lots of ways, for example, you may start to feel like not updating your CV or looking for alternative work as a result of this despondency.  Once again, it is okay to feel despondent, however you must manage that despondency in order to problem solve and become more optimistic.

Feelings of despondency can also lead to a lowering of your self- efficacy.  Self-efficacy is all about your belief systems and your confidence.  The more you believe you have no control over a situation, and that “others” control you, the more at risk you are of becoming less confident.  My advice is simple.  If you cannot change your situation and you have tried lots of different ways to change it, then accept the situation and find a way of problem solving.  When you start to problem solve your self-esteem and confidence will start to increase.  If you go into a situation thinking you won’t be able to do it, for example looking for a new job, chances are you won’t.  If you think you can, chances are you will.  It’s like Mark Twain said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t you’re probably right”.

Finally, bear in mind that change can be a positive thing if thought of differently, and that everything passes. 

Question
Conflict resolution depends on all parties involved volunteering to take part. Do you have any advice on what to do when one party will not engage?

Answer by Andy Mason
This is a very interesting question and for me speaks to the heart of an equally important question “What do we mean by conflict resolution?”  Answering this question impacts on how we think and ultimately the choices we have when conflict is present. 

We can draw a simple continuum representing ways to resolve conflict, from forceful intervention up one end (Iraq anyone?) to people working with equal control towards deep understanding (often characteristic of conflict transformation processes – South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission?) at the other.  Somewhere in the middle we find adjudication, arbitration and negotiation.  The difference between the last three and transformation can be illustrated thus: in adjudication, arbitration or negotiation you start at 1 and I start at 10 and we might settle at 5.  In transformation the possible end ‘settlements’ are neither discernable nor a priority at the outset.  Instead the focus is on the process, so you start at 1, I start at 10 and we settle on a banana! One that we create together and we all own.

So what do you do if one party won’t engage? 

Someone who sees conflict as ‘human nature’ and that ‘bad’ people need controlling might find a way to threaten them with disciplinary action if they don’t ‘volunteer’!  [When the ‘human nature’ source of conflict has come up in the various parts of the world I have worked I usually reply ‘whose human nature, yours?’ to which the answer is invariably ‘No!’  So I am yet to find the person responsible for all the conflict humans experience.] 

Someone believing in the ‘human side of the workplace’ (and most modern, humanistic-minded managers, negotiators and mediators would fall into this category) would value talking to the parties and finding out what’s happening and why, before trying to find solutions to problems in order to gain involvement.

So how would a conflict transformation approach differ?  In my experience a core value we all have is to be truly heard, often by a certain individual.  By truly heard I mean for another to really ‘get’ how things are for us – without putting their advice, judgement or evaluation in the way.  This process is real empathy.  Once it is present not only can strategies be found to honestly address the needs of the reluctant individual, but also, without fail, their own relationship with the situation changes.  Into what?  We don’t know till it happens – hence the banana!  Sound unusual and unlikely?  Yes, that’s what the team in Beirut said as I trained them to work with Iraqi refugees.  ‘Just listen with empathy?  They’ll want money and blankets!’  Six months later their reports of the changes they had seen in the women they had originally found reluctant in their refugee accommodation were remarkable.  The refugees said having someone to really hear them had truly made a difference.

So what of the workplace?  A raft of management thinking from Maslow to Emotional Intelligence supports the notion that people are motivated to meet their needs, such as acknowledgement, control and safety.  Helping people meet their needs, through empathy, is much more likely to stimulate their buy-in.  I have lost count of the number of times parties entering mediation have initially said to me ‘I just want it sorted!  There’s no way I want to speak to them!’  only to find that having their needs heard by me has given the safety and listening they needed to go forwards.

And another thought – having empathy for the other party also shifts their view too.  If you can let go of being attached to the outcome remarkable things always happen. Bananas!

Question
Do you have any tips which would help me get out of bed on the first alarm in the morning, rather than stealing another ten minutes in the warm, which is enough to throw my morning routine out of kilter?

Answer by Dr David Mason Brown
The first thing to remember in answering this question is that we are all individuals and what works for one will not work for all.

The important question to ask yourself is are you getting enough sleep for you and is your sleep quality good enough?  Individual needs can vary from as little as 4 hours for 13% of the adult population to as much as 10 hours for 2%.  GP’s acknowledge the condition TATT (tired all the time) and it is estimated that a quarter of the working population age group is chronically tired.  So it is important to know how much sleep you need and make a plan to ensure you get it.

Another thing to bear in mind is that well-being plays an important part in sleep need.  For example, if an individual is getting things right regarding the well-being aspects of their life their sleep need may reduce from say 7 or 8 hours to 6 or 7 hours.  Conversely, if the well-being elements of their life are less good, they will become more tired and their sleep need may increase to 8 or 9 hours.   

The quality of your sleep is an important factor as to how well rested you will feel in the morning.  Four hours of deep sleep is required if you are to feel really refreshed.  Excess adrenaline and not being able to switch off reduces this so, if necessary, take exercise to use the adrenaline up and try to follow a calming ritual before you go to sleep – some find a warm bath soothing, others may read a book or relax listening to music.  One chap found that reading a violent thriller and drinking his only cup of coffee of the day worked wonderfully for him, so this may involve a little trial and error!

Another thing to consider is whether you are a morning or an evening person.  If you are someone who finds activity easy in the evening but really doesn’t function very well in the morning, you could try to switch some of the tasks you know you have to do before leaving the house to the previous evening, thus cutting down the time you need to get ready the following morning … allowing a valuable extra few minutes under the covers.

Finally, studies have revealed that daylight plays an important part in our ability to throw back the covers and spring into action.  At this time of year many of us may be affected by SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  Some people I have spoken to have found that alarm clocks which artificially simulate a gradual daylight into your room have made an enormous difference to their waking ability.  But like all the other suggestions here, this will work for some and not others – perhaps you could monitor if it makes a difference for you naturally, as the lighter mornings and spring are hopefully just around the corner!